2013 Football Prediction
I suppose it’s fitting that for a football season that I will miss probably half of, due to work, that I’m currently on an airplane, flying out of the country on the opening day of regular season. Subsequently, I’m secretly hoping for a year of mediocrity, where every team goes 8-8, and two teams I couldn’t care less about vie for the Championship.
Before I get started, I should note: my favorite teams are the 49ers, Patriots and Steelers (and I guess the Bucs because everyone should have a Cleveland Browns to root for). This means, I’ve watched so many consecutive Super Bowls where my favorite team has lost that I’ve actually lost count and can’t remember when a team I liked won. I know I rooted for the Saints, but that was only because I hate Peyton Manning.
My point is, with the exception of a Sports Illustrated I just bought in a terminal, my predictions are completely baseless, unresearched and unfounded. I don’t even have the Internet to help me spell weird names correctly, so I may just make shit up.
Teams are listed per division, in order I’ve ranked them.
AFC
North
CIN
This has less to do with the team and more to do with the competition. See more about BAL and PIT below. They’re on an upswing. Yay for them. And they’ll lose their first game in the postseason.
PIT
I’m really on the fence with these guys. They lose Harrison, but they signed a starting OLB rookie who’s allegedly bred for the job. Their WRs, RBs and O-line are completely on the fence. Could be great, could be crap. I was going to give them an 8-8 best chance, but then I saw their schedule: the AFC East and NFC North, plus OAK and TEN. That’s at least 7 wins just for showing up in pads. If they can’t get a few more on top of that, they should all die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.
BAL
I called it the last two years. This team had an expiration date, and they hit it somewhere in the last five minutes of the Super Bowl. Lucky for them, the credibility of the referees also expired around the same time, and they won. That inbred neanderthal Terrell Suggs is the only vestige left of the legendary defense, and it wouldn’t surprise me if he spends half the season watching the game from a Walmart wheelchair on the sideline. Now that Flacco finally moved out of his parents’ basement, he’s playing like a grown up quarterback, but when you’re at the top, that means there’s just that much more room for failure. Their wild card prospects literally depend on whether PIT shows up or not.
CLE
If they were in a weaker division, I’d actually have a little hope for this team. While he’s consistently the worst head coach in the league, Norv “Scrotumneck” Turner is actually a good OC. On the other hand, their QB will be starting his 2nd season just before his 30th birthday. Plus, this team is to the AFC North as the Cleveland Browns are to the… oh, sorry – same team.
East
NE
In a year where everyone is predicting the Broncos to win the SB, Peter King has picked the Pats to win. Thanks, asshole. I guess I can scrape them off my pick list. Everyone’s second-guessing the passing game, which is fair, because it’s been really inconsistent in the post-season. But they’ve replaced the best slot receiver in the game with the second best (and younger) one, and I don’t see why this corps of receivers is any worse than what they’ve been working with. Plus, have you seen the rest of this division? If this team can’t get at least a number 4 slot in the post season they should all die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.
MIA
In the TB/MIA preseason game, a TB special teamer pushed a blocker into a punt returner. The ball bounced off the blocker, and TB recovered the fumble. The MIA coach fumed, squirmed and shrieked that the TB player interfered with the returner, and the ref had to explain the rules. If Philbin was a first year coach out of some candy-assed game like college, I could give him a pass. But he’s a 2nd year coach who allegedly assisted for something or other in GB for like half a decade. This idiotic hubris is exactly what this team represents and deserves. Every year, they find new and interesting ways of getting rid of their best players. This year, they cut their #1 OL pick and let their entire running game go to Detroit. Poor, stupid, lonely Mike Wallace. You did it to yourself. The only reason this team gets more wins in this division is because they’re not NYJ or BUF.
BUF
Remember the Cardinals of last season? Well this is the Cardinals of this season. They even have the same starting QB… warming the bench.
NYJ
After a 16 QB goat rodeo, they’re starting their draft pick, because Nacho has a shoulder injury that will probably last the rest of the season whether he’s hurt or not. I’d rank them higher than BUF if they weren’t a bunch of cunts.
South
HOU
If Matt Shaub can learn how to throw to more than one receiver, they might actually have a chance at a SB. They also need to stay healthy. They have a habit of collapsing at the end of seasons, but they also seem to get a little smarter as they go along. I don’t care about this team at all, so it wouldn’t surprise me if they end up (losing) in the SB.
IND
Want to know how little I’ve thought about this? I had to think hard of who else was in this division. Is this Andrew Luck’s sophomore year? Then expect a sophomore slump. Dolts fans can watch NASCAR or whatever inanities people in Indiana do.
TEN
Out goes Hasselbeck and in comes Ryan Fitzpatrick. I think. Maybe I’m wrong. Who gives a shit?
JAX
Wow. Three straight seasons with the same QB no one knows the name of, and you could start Tebow, probably for minimum wage. Not league minimum. I mean a free Gideon bible and $5.37 an hour. According to Sports Illustrated, Whatshisface considers Alex Smith to be a “kindred spirit”. Worst. Team. In the League.
West
DEN
Last I heard, this was the all-around pick to win the SB. So I’m changing my pick; they’re not winning. Please, dear media, don’t remind me of the Welker trade, only months after my wife got me a Welker jersey for my birthday. Sure, just let the best slot receiver in the game catch passes from that Oreo/Buick/Papa John’s/Lucky Larry’s Septic Tank Service hocking whore. I saw that SI cover a few weeks ago, with Welker in that construction orange jersey. Smug bunch of fuckers. Please God, can this be the year James Harrison crowns Pey-Pey in the neck, and Pey-Pey spends the rest of his career shilling those wheelchairs that you drive with a straw? I’ll even root for the Bengals during that game.
SD
For the first time in years, SD actually acquired a seasoned RB instead of letting one go. Unfortunately Danny Woodhead isn’t exactly the RB who will lead a team’s running game, but he’s a better option that sticking with Scrotumneck as your head coach. It won’t happen, but if the newly acquired Dwight Freeney crowns Pey-Pey in the neck as I prayed for the aforementioned Harrison, I’ll be a Chargers fan for the rest of the season. I only rank them 2nd in the division because they’re not OAK or KC.
OAK
They’re not KC. I’ll give them 3rd in the division. Beyond that, couldn’t care less.
KC
Secretly, and then not so secretly, Harbaugh prayed for a injury to Alex Smith. If you pay the other team to injure your QB, is it really a bounty? Doesn’t matter, because Harbaugh got his (and my wish), and KC just signed the two most washed up sad sacks to head coach and quarterback their team. Holy crap. I might get the NFL Sunday Ticket just to watch the weekly collapses from this team. For the first time in ever, a whole stadium will chant for Matt Cassel to start, and he’s not even on the team.
NFC
North
GB
They kind of fell apart last year. The question is whether they can seal up their defense better, especially against the run.
DET
Here’s another one that fell apart for less reason than they deserved last season. They took advantage of MIA’s stupidity and signed Reggie Bush, so they should have a much more balanced running game, freeing up Stafford to carry the team less. And as much as I hate Donkeykong Suh and his sidekick, Apedick, they’re a pair of great DT’s. Don’t be surprised if they go 6-2 before the bye; their opening schedule is pretty much a cake walk. That said, their coach is still a shitneck who can’t shake hands like a man. Maybe they’ll get a wild card slot. What the hell.
MIN
Purple Jesus and the fact they’re not the Bears. Um, yeah, that’s the only thing I think they have going for them.
CHI
Pros: no more Lovie Smith. Cons: no more Urlacher, plus Jay Cutler, plus a newly gutted “rebuilding year” roster. Want to know why the Bears O-line has been so pourous over the last few years? It’s not because of talent or skill. It’s because watching Jay Cutler run around, get mauled and throw stupid is funny. I don’t care who they bring in to “fix” the O-line.
East
God I hate this division. If there was ever a division that consistently strives for mediocrity and still gets it’s ego stroked, it’s this one. Three of these teams will go 7-9. It’s just a question of which one will get into the playoffs with an 8-8 record. The good news is there’s enough competition in the rest of the NFC, that one of these twats can’t sneak in on a barely winning record (ahem-NFL-home-office-team-cough.)
WAS
Alfred Morris. That’s why. If there’s ever a QB who most risks a sophomore slump, it’s the one that gets injured doing what he does best. RGIII is potent. And fragile. And scared.
PHI
Chip Kelly is apparently some genius. Yeah? Why’d he shrug off offers for years and then sign on to be the HC at this shithole? Then he hired an OC and DC from Cleveland? And if you want to run the kind of NE fast-adjustment offense he’s apparently known for, you need to bring in the players smart enough to handle it, not shove it down the throats of the glory hounds and dog fuckers that Andy Reid left behind. I’m not saying it can’t happen. Just not this year.
DAL
Monte Kiffin? Seriously? First, the read-option won’t scare a Kiffin led defense much. The Bucs figured out how to beat Michael Vick back before this got trendy. The larger problem will be from the veterans who aren’t relying on a read-option; y’know, those lame QBs like Brees, Rodgers, Pey-Pey and Brady who coauthored the book a few years back on how to carve the Tampa 2 apart. There’s a reason no one relies on a Tampa 2 anymore. In other news, meet the offense. Same as last year. Yawn.
NYG
Fuck their QB, Corky, and that weasly-eyed, old, crustfucker they call a coach.
South
NO
They’re back, skilled, have a chip on their shoulders, and they’re not Atlanta. The Rob Ryan experience is on the fence, but even if their defense is only half as bad as they were last year, they can win more games.
ATL
It’s over. They’ll have a decent season, and then the veterans will start dropping. It already started with Abraham. While Osimanamena is an improvement, he’s already 30, and not used to being a LB. Oh, and their 3-4 defense is a copycat. And Matt Ryan sucks cock.
TB
There’s a giant question mark behind center who threw worse than a third string QB in New England who got cut, and he’s allegedly Tampa’s franchise QB. There is no reason why this team can’t go to the playoffs. There’s one reason if it doesn’t. If someone doesn’t figure out how to consistently light a fire under Josh Freeman’s ass, it’s his last year in Tampa. Fortunately, the 18 running backs on the roster can get TB a grade better above CAR. But if they honestly start Leonard at CB, don’t expect that secondary to improve much.
CAR
I like Cam Newton. Unfortunately, he’s the only member on the team who’s:
- talented, and
- not watching AARP commercials like they matter.
West
SEA
That’s right, I’m listing them better than my favorite and last year’s NFC champ 49ers. If one QB won’t hit a sophomore slump, it’s um, what’s is name, Reggie… Nelson? Fuckit, his name is now Reggie Nelson. Anyway, the Squawks are pretty much coming back with what they started, plus a few interesting additions. Despite the fact that they stole a game from GB, they had some pretty impressive games. They’re a tough team to beat.
SF
They lost their NT plus S Dashon Goldson, plus Delaney Walker plus every WR who’s ever played except the 437 year old Boldin (who can still has some in the tank, btw). Ironically, they’re in a better position than they were this time last year. That said, I still don’t expect the year they had.
ARI
I don’t know why I think they’ll be better than the St. Louis Cramps. Maybe because Carson Palmer is an upgrade? Someone has to surprise people… just a little bit. I pick them.
STL
They were 1-0-1 against the 49ers. Lucky season. Sam Bradford sucks and St. Louis is a craphole. Without Stephen Jackson, I expect the Greatest Show on Turd.
Playoffs
[column2]
AFC
CIN
NE
HOU
DEN
PIT
BAL
[/column2]
[column2_last]
NFC
GB
WAS
NO
SEA
SF
DET
[/column2_last]
Super Bowl
Green Bay over Houston.
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